A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in
a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you,
Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The
man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one
of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the
judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she
knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Two blondes are walking in the forest when they come across
marks in the ground.
One says to another, 'Oh, look at the deer tracks!'
'Those aren't deer trucks, you dumb blonde!' says the other. 'They're bear
'Deer tracks, you dumb blonde!'
'Bear prints, you dumb blonde!'
Next day's headlines : Two blondes killed by train in forest.
A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his
inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients
to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything
seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled,
"Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled,
"Down Nuts!" and they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and
they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well,
he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked
what happened. The assistant replied, "well... everything was fine until some
guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"
My boss gave me this motivation tape. Its of him firing people.
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the
first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough
looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything,
he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this
up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and
says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned
Phone answering machine message "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said,
"No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in
by a strong currant.
"My number 1 goal is to speak well of others. My
number 2 goal is to make sure I don't end up like the rest of those
losers in my department."
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of
his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome" "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well,"
says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going
to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket
ball stuck up my backside" "How's that?" "Don't you start."
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to
me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's
your oyster, go for it."
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other,
"Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.